As a young mom, I longed for some me time, some free time at the end of a day. Raising a son with special needs and two daughters was a 24/7 kind of job….like every mom! There’s no vacation on vacation, there’s no pats on the back from the children in those early years. Yet, when I look back over being a mom, and a mom of a child with special needs, I have NO REGRETS!

Years ago I wrote a poem about wanting that free time and never finding it. Recently I published that poem (with a few new stanzas) in No Regrets. I’d like to share a few of those verses with you as an encouragement in your life as a mom!

No Regrets by Cindi Ferrini

I woke up this morning and had my day planned,
But yet He reshaped it with His tender hand.
I do what He asks me no matter how small.
I know that He guides me – hours minutes, and all.

I’ve wiped dishes and toilets, behinds, and some tears,
And now I’m “done in” and wiped out from those dears!
The day has just ended, all chores are now done.
I’m ready for “me time,” relaxing, and fun!

Each night I think this is the one I will claim
As mine to catch up, just relax, play a game.
Each child has a need and like corn that is popping,
With me they engage and there’s simply no stopping.

I know what You did with the loaves and the fish,
So if I might ask of You one little wish…
If in the near future there’s any time free,
Would You please reconsider and give it to me?

The poem goes on to tell of this mother’s resolve in finding that free time.

Mom, let me encourage you…no matter what demands you have on your day:

• A child with special needs – illness, seizures, sleeplessness nights
• Children who are crying all day long
• Not being able to get your nails done
• Wishing you could just kick up your feet for 5 minutes
• Desiring a outing or a trip just with your husband
• Not being able to get dinner on the table on time or finish a load of laundry
• And a million other things that make daily demands on you….

Your job is important, perhaps the most important job there is. You’re preparing the children for their future and the future of our country and the world. That is no easy task but one to take seriously. Be encouraged – they do grow up, and the time goes faster than you can imagine, although right now you won’t believe me!

“The days go by slowly…the years go by fast.
We look to the future, too soon it’s the past!”

Enjoy today….with No Regrets!

Cindi Ferrini has published a book “No Regrets”. For your copy, please go to her site at www.cindiferrini.com – enjoy!

My mother-in-law needed heart surgery. We went together to the doctor to make sure all her questions were answered. We wanted to know why she needed the surgery and how it would affect her afterwards. We wanted Mom to know exactly what to expect from start to finish. The doctor described everything to her and said, “When you wake up, you’ll feel like a truck hit you, but each day you’ll do better and better and heal well.” After surgery, I asked mom how she felt and she replied, “The doctor said I’d wake up and feel like I was hit by a truck. That’s true, I do, but we failed to ask what size truck it would be!”

That is reality! Reality is sometimes a shock.

Sometimes we just don’t know what hit us, and we can’t anticipate what the outcome will be when we don’t know what is then ahead of us. In her case, healing took time, but eventually she experienced better health and better quality of life.

When caring for someone with special needs, operations and medications will often improve health or quality of life but not cure the individual or change the course of that person’s life to make her or him what we’d call “normal.” The reality in this case is summarized in this question: Will we be able to run the race set before us or crumble under the weight of this responsibility for a lifetime?

It doesn’t matter who we are—rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, good-looking or not, well-dressed or shabby, happy or sad, motivated or unmotivated, talented or untalented. When God wants to do something in and through our life, look out! That’s when reality hits!

As a mom, the reality for me is the day-to-day grind of life and the realization that we have no con­trol over it, and that nothing will ever be the same. That part of life we didn’t see coming our way. That part of life, when it hits, we wish hadn’t—if we’re truly honest. If we are open to learning, it’s in that reality where God will give us new vision – a bigger picture as we walk through the tests and the storms that challenge us. Until we are willing to become active learning partic­ipants, we flounder, trying to figure out what’s going on.

It was the reality of caring for our son, and the knowledge that doing so would last a lifetime—either his or ours! Our son has learned and grown, but the pace was so slow that we often wondered if anything new was taking place. Reality is never what we expect. No matter what the reality looks like, it is likely a surprise. And what one of us would have chosen it?

What I’ve learned with each new reality, is that listening to God, my heart, and taking time to learn what will be needed, will eventually help me sort things out. I’ll learn, I’ll grow, and somewhere down the road of this journey, I’ll have a new level of understanding of life because I’ve embraced my new reality. Is it easy? Never. Is it worth it? Always! That’s reality!

BOSTON (AP) 11/10 – “LeBron James said he was sorry for using the word ‘retarded’ in a post game news conference.” I know it’s been a while since this was “news” but the “R WORD” hasn’t gone away, so it’s still news….current to each of us who has a child with mental “RETARDATION.”

I was eager to see if there would be a follow-up broadcast to that comment. Indeed, LeBron later apologized for using the “R” word saying, “If I offended anyone, I sincerely apologize.” I’m pretty sure I can stand in the front of the line with many whose children have special needs and say, “It’s not IF he offended anyone.” He did.

When that word is spoken, those of us in that “circle” try to be gracious to spare others embarrassment - but we hear it. And we heard him.

The apology would have been better phrased, “To those who care for the special needs population of the mentally disabled/challenged (mentally retarded), I am very sorry for my insensitive comment. I understand my comment may not be understood by those who are challenged mentally, but I do understand that I have deeply offended those who care 24/7 for those with special needs of this kind.”

Furthermore, I would love for LeBron (and others who use the “R” word) to offer public service to those who are mentally challenged, to learn what the special needs world of “effort” looks like. Those who have trouble learning, speaking, holding or throwing a basketball or baseball have likely spent hundreds if not thousands of hours and dollars in PT (that is Physical Therapy), OT (Occupational Therapy), and SP (Speech Therapy) only to get to a less than hoped for outcome after many years of hard work. These therapies are not working out to better prepare an athlete after a sports injury, rather these therapies are helping the patient to learn to do some of the very things we take for granted. OT helps those who are mentally slow to learn to use their fine motor (fingers and hands) skills for something as noble and simple as feeding themselves. PT was very helpful in teaching my son to balance because he couldn’t sit up on his own – that took a good year and a half to accomplish that one skill. ST was something that took some 12 years in the making to get my son to a point where he could make and form words. Just 12 years.

Yes, all those things took place at the rapid speed of what Webster calls retarded: “slow or limited progress.” Many who are “mentally challenged” or “retarded” have worked like an athlete to achieve little to no recognition; instead they’ve earned the cheers and applause of their parents, siblings, teachers, therapists, (and some family and friends), as they accomplish the mundane. There is also another group who’s worked hard and I commend and applaud those caring for those with special needs. May you “go the distance” with grace and dignity - because I know it’s not with ease or comfort!

And JFYI – I’ve waited over 30 years to write this – and it’s written with hope to initiate change in how the “R” word is used.

One who knows,

Cindi Ferrini

Teaching a lesson to Lucy, Aslan, the Christ figure in the C.S. Lewis story Prince Caspian says, “Why didn’t you come to me for help?” She responds, “I’m sorry, why didn’t you come in to save us like last time?” Aslan replies, “Things never happen the same way twice.”

Perhaps you’ve learned as I have that no matter how many times a new lesson pops up (or old ones resurface) – that nothing is exactly as before, and for me, I’m taken by surprise that God didn’t meet me with a like answer as He might have in the past.

Life requires making changes, dealing with new (or old) lessons and issues. Putting a stake in the ground for firm change, a new beginning or direction probably isn’t going to happen for those of us caring for a child or adult child with special needs – at least not in the way we expected or hoped. Change is slow, and often non-existent. Prayer can change things, and I do pray daily – and sometimes even out of desperation, but after many years, my son is still not healed. Sometimes the prayer was for our sons’ developmental progress, change in our circumstances, or ease in life. God’s answer came to me as a bit of a surprise. The answer was about the change my heart and attitude had to make.  Psalm 138:8 tells me, “The Lord will accomplish what concerns me…” He knows us so well, that He answers just as is necessary for us.

He wants me to receive what He gives with an open hand, knowing it’s given out of love and concern for me. That’s how He teaches. And what have I learned? “…in everything give thanks” – I Thessalonians 5:18. We’re not asked to be thankful for all things; but “in everything give thanks.” Being thankful for war, divorce, disabilities, famine, personal struggles, etc. is a tough pill to swallow but we can give thanks in these trials when they come – learning from and growing in them.

When we give thanks, we allow character development. Often painful, we learn to give thanks for the learning process and the growth that takes place. In those personal struggles we learn to rely upon and trust in His provision rather than our own.

Developing an attitude of “in everything give thanks” simply takes practice. When we do – the surprise might be on us, as life starts to look like this:

• We can truly be happy for others when we don’t “get” what they were privileged to get (a child who can play soccer; a child who talks and walks; the freedom to travel, the ability to go out to dinner, a good marriage, a great job – fill in the blank that fits your situation…)
• We begin to show gratitude for the little things: thankful for little bits of progress we see in our child rather than just the end results, thankful for a nice job not the dream job (gratitude vs. expectancy)
• Our ability to invest in caring for other people will grow even when we don’t particularly feel cared for by others
• The habit of saying “thank you” – of “giving thanks” and of showing appreciation to others and to God will be developed
• Our attitude becomes gratitude
• It’s catchy – others begin to pick up on it!

Before we know it, we’ll be amazed at how much we’ve been given and how much we have to give to others! We’ll be amazed that He might not work the same way as He did before, but that the results will be new and exciting.

And no, that was not a good thing….

Kristina, our second born was healthy, smart, helpful, and compliant. She was often there to help our son Joey (3 years older than her) when he needed his shoes tied, face washed, or teeth brushed. The problem was – she was somewhere around the 5-7 year age range.

Joey’s special needs made it such that he needed a lot of help for us just to “get out the door” and often, she was very willing to help. But one particular day, I had asked her to do a number of things, right in a row, and not with much chance to comprehend it all. That was when she said, “Mom, I feel like CINDERELLA. Not the pretty one, but the one who had to do all the work.” Ouch.

That comment was the “reality mirror” for me. I became keenly aware of the fact that she needed to be a kid. I never expected her to “take over” my job of caring for Joey, but I was happy for her help, and at that moment I could see I was asking too much.

I immediately made some changes – perhaps they will be helpful for you with your children, and also with your extended family, friends, and others in your life:

• Don’t bark orders and expect others to jump.
• Each child needs attention – one on one as often as you can. Invest in each child.
• Allow your children to “understand” that you must take time (and often more time) with the child with special needs, but find things they like to do and purpose to do it with them.
• Have family meetings. Talk about the “work load” and if they feel you are expecting too much of them. You might not like what you’ll hear, but the open communication serves well for now and when they become adults.
• Don’t beat yourself up when your children are honest with you. Let them share.
• Show appreciation in words and actions for those who lend you a hand.
• Don’t make others feel stuck helping you. Ask first.
• Don’t expect others to know what you need. If others offer to help, tell them what is helpful.
• YOU make caring for your loved one look easy because you do it all the time. Others will need to be trained to help you. Take the time.
• When asking other children in the family to babysit/care for/look after the one with special needs, treat them like you would someone coming in to help. Ask them to set the day aside for you and confirm it with them – like you would with a babysitter. Pay them like you would a babysitter. Ask them how things went and if there is a way that would make life easier for them when they are helping you.
• If someone offers to help, ask them what they most enjoy doing. Make and keep a list so you can call on them. The longer your list, the less often you’ll have to call on and rely upon one or two people.
• Be sure to do things your typically developing children want to do – even if it means finding someone to stay home with the one with special needs.
• Have fun. Life is better that way.
• Make sure you get your daughter a pretty prom dress when her time comes – so she knows how the pretty CINDERELLA felt!

DAY 30 : UNITY

“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

- Col. 3:14 {ESV}

One by one, the musicians in the orchestra seat themselves on stage – each warming up by playing scales, notes and parts of the music they’ve prepared. None of it sounds very good because everyone is doing their own thing. Soon, the first chair violinist enters and plays one note. EVERYONE in the orchestra tunes to that note and they are all “together” – but it is not until the orchestra conductor lifts his baton and directs everyone in the playing of the music, that it all comes together…in perfect harmony.

When we live our life through the practice of loving others, we are setting up all the players in our life to be bound together in a similar perfect harmony – conducted by the One (God) who orchestrates life.

Let’s pray that we can practice loving thoughts that transfer into actions to help our children realize and recognize the importance of loving others well. When they see us get along in our marriage, with our siblings, extended family, and friends, they will have the example they need to make the right kinds of choices to will help them live in harmony with others, too.

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 ~ Resource of the Day ~

Raising Kids for True Greatness

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This is Day 30 of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children Challenge.

Please be sure to follow along this month as we encourage parents to be intentional about praying for their children. Read all of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children posts by clicking here.

We’ve also created a calendar (two color options) that you can download and print to keep at your desk, on your fridge or wherever you’ll see it and be reminded to pray.

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Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 1}

Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 2}

]]> http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/30/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-30-unity/feed/ 0 http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/24/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-24-gratitude/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-24-gratitude http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/24/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-24-gratitude/#comments Thu, 24 Jan 2013 13:00:17 +0000 Cindi Ferrini http://familymatters.net/blog/?p=5760 DAY 24 :GRATITUDE  “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his [...]]]>

DAY 24 :GRATITUDE

 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”

- James 1:17-18 {ESV}

Manners matter. Saying “please and thank you” are important in showing kindness and gratitude.

It seems few people feel the need to write thank you notes any more. I’m not sure why. Let’s consider the giving of a gift. The giver must first consider what to give; then search for the gift, purchase or make the gift, wrap it and the present the gift. Just adding up the time it took should encourage the receiver to at least say, “Thanks for the effort!” But in saying or writing a “thank you” for a gift, we are acknowledging the giver’s kindness…in thought and in action. What might take the giver hours to complete, will take the recipient but 5 minutes to express a written thank you.

Let’s pray that we can transfer this simple lesson on gratitude to the larger realm of what God has done for us. Let’s teach our children to recognize and thank God for the many ways He blesses, the way He bestows upon us gifts, the way He provides and protects. And by expressing thanks to others, our children will learn how much more important it is to thank Him, too!

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 ~ Resource of the Day ~

Raising Kids for True Greatness

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This is Day 24 of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children Challenge.

Please be sure to follow along this month as we encourage parents to be intentional about praying for their children. Read all of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children posts by clicking here.

We’ve also created a calendar (two color options) that you can download and print to keep at your desk, on your fridge or wherever you’ll see it and be reminded to pray.

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Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 1}

Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 2}

]]> http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/24/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-24-gratitude/feed/ 0 http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/12/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-12-deeds/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-12-deeds http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/12/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-12-deeds/#comments Sat, 12 Jan 2013 13:00:13 +0000 Cindi Ferrini http://familymatters.net/blog/?p=5662 DAY 12 : DEEDS “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sow to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not [...]]]>

DAY 12 : DEEDS

“Do not be deceived, God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sow to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up.”

- Galatians 6:7-9 {ESV}

An apple seed will only grow up to be an apple tree that bears apples. You can’t expect to find oranges growing on that tree. Similarly, when we sow good deeds in life, we can be assured, that good deeds will continue to grow. We can’t stop doing/sowing good deeds when the storms of life knock us down – we have to get up and continue doing what we know is right…not just what is easy, fun and comfortable! Even the pruning of a tree brings forth more and better fruit…but not THIS season…the next. So when you do something kind and good, and it’s not accepted or welcomed in the way you’d hoped it would be, don’t become disappointed. Watch for how it will blossom if we continue caring for others.

Let’s pray that we not tire out or become weary in doing good to and for others. The only One who needs to see it for it to be worthwhile is God. Our job is to persevere. If He is pleased, we have sown well and He will bless it.

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 ~ Resource of the Day ~

Grace Based Parenting

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This is Day 12 of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children Challenge.

Please be sure to follow along this month as we encourage parents to be intentional about praying for their children. Read all of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children posts by clicking here.

We’ve also created a calendar (two color options) that you can download and print to keep at your desk, on your fridge or wherever you’ll see it and be reminded to pray.

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Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 1}

Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 2}

]]> http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/12/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-12-deeds/feed/ 0 http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/05/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-5-purpose/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-5-purpose http://familymatters.net/blog/2013/01/05/31-days-of-prayer-for-your-children-day-5-purpose/#comments Sat, 05 Jan 2013 13:00:52 +0000 Cindi Ferrini http://familymatters.net/blog/?p=5578 DAY 5 : PURPOSE “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? “ - Micah 6:8 {ESV} To know one’s purpose is to have a life direction – a target at [...]]]>

DAY 5 : PURPOSE

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? “

- Micah 6:8 {ESV}

To know one’s purpose is to have a life direction – a target at which to aim. Having purpose is different than knowing what we want “to do” someday. It’s more about knowing “how to do” life. God’s word makes it clear that we must walk humbly with Him, but how does that look in real life? It is doing life in an unpretentious way, or as Webster would say, “to destroy the power or prestige of”….which sounds a whole lot like doing life God’s way not my way. Being humble is being unassuming. When we walk closely with God we can allow Him to direct and guide us without us assuming we’ll take over when we think He’s not doing it right. We can trust Him.

Let’s pray that we, as parents and care-takers to our loved ones, will be the example our children need to see, and the ones they want to emulate because we’ve listened carefully to our Creator to fulfill the purpose He had for us.

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 ~ Resource of the Day ~

Grace Based Parenting

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This is Day 5 of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children Challenge.

Please be sure to follow along this month as we encourage parents to be intentional about praying for their children. Read all of our 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children posts by clicking here.

We’ve also created a calendar (two color options) that you can download and print to keep at your desk, on your fridge or wherever you’ll see it and be reminded to pray.

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Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 1}

Click here to download 31 Days of Prayer for Your Children {Option 2}

It’s been a while since we all came to know SUSAN DOYLE who auditioned for the “Britain’s Got Talent” show.

The surprise of it all………….how did YOU respond?

I couldn’t help, initially, feeling sorry for her – first because she didn’t “look” the part all of us were expecting; then because she had to listen to the jeering and sneering of the unforgiving crowd and judges – how impolite, rude and mean. She certainly didn’t “look” like she’d be able to sing like she could, but she hadn’t even been given the chance to “prove herself” before the laughing and jesting began. Certainly she “showed” us all what she had to offer. I was personally happy to hear the judges make an apology for how they and the audience misperceived her!

Recently someone called, telling me of a young special needs pre-teen being teased by classmates. They were concerned about the “bullying” and negative comments and how their child would ever be able to rise above all the hurtful things people were saying. Upon my request, they proceeded to tell me some of the wonderful attributes their child with special needs has: kind, forgiving, patient (most of the time), never desiring or thinking of “getting even”, and so on. It’s too bad, isn’t it, that while this child can’t read, do math, or speak very well, they have such redeeming qualities that would rival those bullying. Might you, I, or those bullies wonder what this young person has to offer that others aren’t taking the time to notice?

It’s my hope that we’ll take notice of one young person overcoming some pretty amazing odds. I also hope we’ll look around us to see how we can appropriately respond to others who are different than we are, taking the time to learn what they have to offer before passing judgment or being critical.

Here are some thoughts to consider and questions to ask ourselves about others with “special differences”:

• How will we respond the next time someone different from us comes across our path?
• What are the redeeming qualities this person possesses?
• Can we find something worthwhile this person does or is that will help us see them differently or better?
• How can we encourage this special person, no matter what their abilities are in order for them to become all they can be?
• Let’s be an example for others to follow by not pointing, teasing, and otherwise making fun of those who are different from us.
• Hopefully we can use positive and encouraging words to move this person to succeeding to the best of their abilities.
• May we refrain from jeering and sneering, which is rude, mean, insensitive, and impolite.
• Open our hearts to looking for the positive character traits one possesses rather than the abilities they are lacking.
• Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge lest you be judged yourselves.” That sums it up!

Remember: we can’t judge a book by its cover – and shouldn’t.