This Ask Tim post is from our archives, but we thought that it was a great time to revisit this topic with kids returning to school and all that goes with that, including dating.

Q:

Could you please give me just a little direction in what you think would be the best way to go with our issue with our teen. Our son who is almost 16 has been fairly easy going all along. He is a Christian and attends church regularly with us. He is respectful and has given us very little trouble.  The issue: We have always encouraged him along the lines of courting, not dating, and have tried to teach him all the Biblical reasons why we believe this is best. He has gone against all of this and has entered into a dating relationship with a young lady who is not a Christian. We are not sure what the best way to handle this is. He does have a cell phone which he communicates with her on constantly. We have not gone the strong hand route of taking away his cell phone and forbidding him to see her at all. We have continued to share with him our concerns and make sure that there is always a parent around when he does get together with this girl. We are doing the best we can but truthfully we are not sure how to handle the situation. We would really appreciate any advice and/or any direction you could give to us.

Read Tim’s answer here.

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For more great “Ask Tim’s” check out the Parenting Q&A Section and Couples Q&A Section onwww.FamilyMatters.net

We know that this series is called Ask Tim, but sometimes it’s his wife Darcy that is the best person to answer certain questions. This Ask Tim post is an answer given by Darcy Kimmel.

Q.

I have 3 wonderful children, 2 are adults and one is in his late teens. We are about to become empty-nesters! With my adult daughter in particular, I worry about her when she travels for work. My husband says I nag her and send her too many texts or voicemails. Sometimes I think she is ignoring me. I just want to know if she is OK, and hear about her day. Am I smothering her? I’m worried that I am pushing her away. What should I do?

A.

Tim asked if I would respond to you since I can definitely relate to what you are experiencing in this letting go stage. I am convinced that Mothers are connected to their children at the heart. We spend 18 years anticipating and meeting almost all of their needs and then when the time comes for them to take off and be totally responsible for meeting those needs, it’s like we’ve had open heart surgery. And it takes time and a willingness to reprogram our hearts and brains to re-craft our relationships with our kids when they become adults. Cut yourself some slack because this isn’t easy but also remember that a lot is at stake as you establish the new guidelines for your relationship with your adult kids.As with every decision we make regarding our kids, we must keep in mind that preserving a good relationship with them is the most important priority. More important than knowing where they are, what they’re doing, even if they are OK. Obviously, if there is clear and present danger, you can’t ignore that and I know you or your husband would be there in a heartbeat. But, we have to give our kids a lot of space as they establish their own identity and world apart from us. This is a healthy and necessary step to them being good spouses and parents themselves.

I can testify that it hurts sometimes to feel like they are getting along fine without us and even might be ignoring us, but this is actually a good thing if we are allowing it to be a product of them establishing their own life. It can end up being a bad thing if they feel like they have to actually push us out of their life because we are crowding them.

I’d just encourage you to limit yourself to a text or two a week and maybe one email to her. Make sure you are upbeat, encouraging and relating as one adult would relate to another. If she’s travelling, rather than checking up on her, call or text to say that you and her dad just went out to dinner or watched a ballgame with your son and were thinking of her. Let her choose to reply. The less she feels pressure from you to communicate, the more she will initiate communication and look forward to yours.

This letting go stage is a huge adjustment, especially for Moms, but looking at it from the other side now, I am so grateful that Tim really encouraged me to entrust our grown children to God, adjust my expectations and enjoy the wonderful, young adults they have grown into.

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Do you have a question you would like to ask Dr. Kimmel?

Email family at family matters (dot) net.

Maybe we will answer your question next!

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For more great “Ask Tim’s” check out the Parenting Q&A Section and Couples Q&A Section onwww.FamilyMatters.net

Q:

I have a three year old who has recently begun challenging everything my husband and I ask of him. We were recently trained in a “spare the rod” parenting course, but have since felt led away from this as we could sense that the obey or else mentality was teaching him to obey out of fear, not love. This was ok while he remained generally compliant, but how do we handle the defiance of a three yr old with God’s grace?

A:

Congrats. You have a normal three year old and it sounds like you have the awesome privilege of raising a leader. The terrible twos and threes are probably misnomers because up until that point, although your child may have seemed compliant, they were just less able to show their independence and verbalize it.

Here are a few suggestions as you take on raising a child who has decided to see just how serious you are about the rules and boundaries.

1. Realize that one of your jobs as a parent is to prepare your child to be a responsible, independent adult. That job has started!
2. Don’t let what others think, dictate how you deal with your own child. If you do, you will be into behavioral modification and not real growth and heart change.
3. Remember that the biggest problem with strong-willed children is weak-willed parents. Establish reasonable rules and boundaries and then both be committed to enforcing them. The fewer the rules, the better.
4. Praise and prayer are your best allies when establishing who is in charge. Your child is going to test your patience and endurance every chance they get, so make sure your heart is right with God and you can tap into His limitless love and patience.
5. Establish an atmosphere of grace in your home by treating your child the way God treats you. And when he pushes your buttons, don’t take what he does personally. Just mete out the consequences and wipe the slate clean.
6. Family Matters has spent the last 30 years helping parents raise children in the power of God’s grace. We suggest you check out one of our many books, studies and web tools for more help on raising a child to love God and love others.

God knew that you were the perfect parents for this child. Have fun raising a leader!

Here are some more tools on this subject

Family Matters Minute – Strong-Willed Children (3 parts)

Parent’s Q&A – Strong-Willed Children

A Grace-Based Approach to Disciplining Your Kids

“You Can’t Make Me: But I Can Be Persuaded [Strategies For Bringing Out the Best In Your Strong-Willed Child]“  by Cythia Tobias

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Do you have a question you would like to ask Dr. Kimmel?

Email family at family matters dot net.

Maybe we will answer your question next!

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For more great “Ask Tim’s” check out the Parenting Q&A Section and Couples Q&A Section on www.FamilyMatters.net

Q: My 14 year old son is struggling in school due to symptoms of A.D.D.  We are working with his teachers, but wondered what your opinion is of medications for A.D.D. Is it something you recommend?

A:  The medication can have an effect. It’s powerful stuff. For some kids, it really can have a positive affect when it comes to learning, grades and deportment. Before you go that route, I’d make sure you’ve done all the other things that help a kid with A.D.D. learn to make the most of their “gift” (and I mean it really is a gift).

1. See if he can be seated on the front row in all of his classes (closer to the teacher and with fewer distractions between him and learning).
2. Have the house as quiet and peaceful as possible in the evenings.
3. Participate in a bed time ritual that has you or your wife or both of you involved in seeing that he’s given encouraging words, perhaps a short word of prayer and a blessing for good sleep every night (it helps in the heart connection between you and him).
4. A.D.D. kids thrive on lists. Help him figure out how to write down all of his assignments, make lists of what he has to remember for school each morning, etc.
5. Limit junk food.
6. Make sure he has adequate physical outlets to burn off energy (sports, etc.).
7. Regarding medication: I take meds every day for my A.D.D. I make an 8 cup pot of medication every morning. I drink it all during my reading of my Bible and then I knock off another cup or two of coffee once I’m at work. There’s a reason why coffee is so popular. Caffine has been  medicating A.D.D. people for thousands of years. You might even consider having your son try some to see if it helps. He’s getting close to the age where he’s going to be drinking it anyway. It’s cheaper than Aderol or Ritalin and may be a decent middle ground.  All he would need to try is 1/4 to 1/2 cup of coffee. If he doesn’t like the taste, he could drink a cup of black tea (with cream and honey) or even 1/2 an ounce of dark chocolate. I know a mom who makes strawberries dipped in dark chocolate for her A. D. D. daughter every morning. Don’t you wish all medicine was that delicious!?!

But, bottom line, I wouldn’t hesitate to put my child on meds if there was a genuine physiological base to his circumstances and the meds were certain to improve his lot without injury.

Thanks for inquiring. I hope this helps.

For more on ADD and ADHD, check out  -  Family Matters Minute, Heart of The Home Newsletter, Parents Q&A. and a book we recommend.

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Do you have a question you would like to ask Dr. Kimmel?

Email family at family matters (dot) net.

Maybe we will answer your question next!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

For more great “Ask Tim’s” check out the Parenting Q&A Section and Couples Q&A Section onwww.FamilyMatters.net

Q:

Dear Tim,

My 12 year old son has begun to masturbate – can you please give me advice on how to help him not to. My concern is that this behavior will lead to other sexual indulgences that have great consequences.

Sincerely, Concerned Single Mom

A:

Dear CSM,

Regarding your son’s battle with masturbation: don’t panic! The statistics are that 98% of all adolescent boys masturbate and the other 2% lie. It is standard for a young man to struggle with this. On top of this reality is the fact that the Bible doesn’t specifically weigh in on masturbation as an act that is either helpful or harmful. It doesn’t say anything specifically about it. Don’t allow yourself to be misled here. Some point to the “sin of Onan” in Genesis 38:9. Onan’s sin was that he was refusing to impregnate his deceased brother’s wife so that he could selfishly claim his inheritance for himself. The act there was not masturbation but rather coitus interruptus. When you think of how clearly and unequivocally the Bible weighs in on every sexual act imaginable, you’d think that if God saw the solo release of a young man’s built up sexual pressure as something repugnant to him, He’d have clearly addressed it.

God made us as sexual beings. Sexual thoughts are part of our make up and sexual stimuli are unavoidable to the majority of young men. The problem with masturbation is not so much the sexual release that a young man experiences (in fact, masturbation tends to bring an end to his momentary lustful thoughts). The problem with masturbation is found far more in the way it can control a young man as well as turn his focus away from things that make him a better person to things that can undermine his relationship with God and others. In saying this, I am not minimizing the seriousness of the struggle that many young men have with masturbation. No parent should turn a jaundice eye to this. It’s something that we don’t want dominating or controlling our children. I think possibly your bigger concern is with something that can accompany masturbation: porn.

That’s why we have to be deliberate in addressing the issues and work overtime to minimize the easy access to toxic pornography. When we were kids you had to go looking for porn. Today, porn comes looking for our kids, and it’s cunning and deceptive. Any access your son has to the internet at home should be in a high traffic area like the hallway, living room or kitchen. Not his bedroom. Also, be aware that he can access the internet from a smart phone or an Xbox. There are products available to provide internet filters specifically designed for this type of technology.

Some parents try to solve this problem by isolating their kids from any contact with the outside world that would complicate his battle with lust. This is unrealistic. Obviously, we want to help our sons avoid full blown pornography, and sexually charged movies, TV and music, but the run-of-the-mill exposures to people and images that might cause them to think lustful thoughts is simply a battlefield on which they must learn to survive. Keep in mind that the bulk of this problem is within them, not outside of them. Therefore, if they are going to gain victory in this area of their life, they must win it in their heart.

The number one piece of advice I would give you is to avoid shaming your son regarding his struggle with masturbation. Most boys are already ashamed as it is. They’re embarrassed about their struggle and are usually more so when it’s their mom with whom they are having to work through it. Although masturbation can be a problem for teenage girls, it’s not as prevalent. Because most moms didn’t struggle with masturbation as teens, it causes them to be impatient with their sons when they find them struggling with it. It’s not as easy to walk away from as a woman may think. The build up of pressure and frustration within a boy can get so bad that it consumes their total focus. And although I don’t recommend young men finding an outlet for this pressure through masturbation, it is better than finding it through sex outside of marriage.

Our sons need a mom or dad that deals with them through an attitude of grace, patience, and understanding. You are much more likely to help your son win this battle if he knows that you believe in his greater good and are sensitive to the internal battle he is fighting. Too often, parents, especially moms, communicate their disappointment towards their sons and then place the expectation at an idealistic (and often unrealistic) level like, “I never want you to do this again.” This only communicates to our sons that they are dead on arrival when it comes to meeting your expectations. This causes them to withdraw from the parent and carry on a relationship ruled by deception and subterfuge to cover their battle. It’s so much better to acknowledge the obvious with your son: that you understand that he has a struggle, you understand why he has it, and you want to be an encouragement to him as he learns to let God give him victory in this area of his life.

Keep praying, CSM! This battle is being fought and won inside your son…and the Holy Spirit is a mighty warrior!

Love,

Tim

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Do you have a question you would like to ask Dr. Kimmel?

Email family at family matters dot net.

Maybe we will answer your question next!

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For more great “Ask Tim’s” check out the Parenting Q&A Section and Couples Q&A Section on www.FamilyMatters.net

Today we’re launching a NEW series on the Family Matters Blog called “Ask Tim” where we’ll post some of the questions parents just like you are asking Dr. Kimmel. If you have a question and would like to get some parenting or marriage advice please Contact Us by email. We respect your privacy and anonymity and will not use your name if your question gets posted.

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Q:

Could you please give me just a little direction in what you think would be the best way to go with our issue with our teen. Our son who is almost 16 has been fairly easy going all along. He is a Christian and attends church regularly with us. He is respectful and has given us very little trouble.  The issue: We have always encouraged him along the lines of courting, not dating, and have tried to teach him all the Biblical reasons why we believe this is best. He has gone against all of this and has entered into a dating relationship with a young lady who is not a Christian. We are not sure what the best way to handle this is. He does have a cell phone which he communicates with her on constantly. We have not gone the strong hand route of taking away his cell phone and forbidding him to see her at all. We have continued to share with him our concerns and make sure that there is always a parent around when he does get together with this girl. We are doing the best we can but truthfully we are not sure how to handle the situation. We would really appreciate any advice and/or any direction you could give to us.

A:

Yea, this is a tough one. Your son is going against your authority as a parent, but what you outlined as the environment that led up to this dilemma as well as your current expectations of him just might be setting you up for what you’re presently contending with.

First, make sure you aren’t assuming anything about his girlfriend’s Christianinty based on outside factors like how she looks or dresses, whether or not her parents are Christians or whether they attend a church that meets your approval. If you make a blanket judgement about her spiritual state, and she does in fact have a relationship with Christ, you will alientate your son and drive him further towards his girlfriend and her family.

Our job as parents is to protect our children when they are younger but then lighten our grip on them as they move into adolescents in order to prepare them for adulthood. A big part of preparing them is to let them make most of their own decisions by the time they get to your son’s age. If we let them make most of their own decisions, we can be certain that they’ll make some lousy ones! That’s okay. Just let them feel the full consequences of their dumb choices. Don’t circumvent the consequences. A great resource to dig deeper into some of the reasons that your son might be bucking your authority is my book, Why Christian Kids Rebel.

On the subject of “courting” let me give you another position on it. Courting is highly over-rated and is consistently defined in idealistic terms that are not remotely aligned with the actual historical record. The courtships of the past produced their fair share of lousy marriages. They also had their fair share of promiscuity leading up to the marriage. Courtship was in vogue in the past because there simply wasn’t any viable alternative. Our current frame of reference leans towards dating. Too much of the “courtship” movement is rooted in a fear-based model of parenting. It’s an outside-in program designed to make it far more inconvenient for young people to fall into the assumed sexual traps that surround them. I prefer an inside-out parenting strategy that is a combination of relying on the foundation of truth you’ve built into your son as well as the power and presence of the Lord Jesus working from within to lead him to noble choices. There are lots of Christian kids that successfully walk through the mine fields of dating without succumbing to the powerful temptations. Our four kids were able to pull this off.

I think your son is clearly voting against courtship. To a lot of kids, courtship represents an assumed lack of trust and confidence on the part of the parents. Kids get tired of being reminded by the choices we make on their behalf that we assume they’ll fail. So, after a while, they figure “Why try to please them?” Incidentally, I think most kids in our present culture give all of us parents an inclination not to trust them. And, I don’t know your track record as a teenager, but a lot of parents who carry scars from their younger life of sex, drugs and rock n roll have a tendency to really want to manage their kid’s assumed propensity to be idiots. Unfortunately, this is usually all you need to pretty much guarantee they’ll push all of the boundaries you place around them.

It’s true that your son has all kinds of temptations surrounding him as well as the on-going menace of testosterone (the equivalent of sexual heroin) running through his veins. But rather than starting from the position that he’s doomed left to his own devices, therefore we must manage his tendencies to sin, why not start loosening your grip, speak encouragement in to him, and let him try to start forging his values in the crucible of real life. He may stumble. He may even fall into some very unfortunate and dangerous holes. I hope not. But strong-arming him at this age in life is pretty much guaranteeing that he will ultimately feel compelled to completely reject your presence and influence in his life and then he’ll go off and put together a series of seriously stupid choices.

There’s one thing I am absolutely certain of: you dearly love your son. You want so much to protect him. Be careful, however, that you don’t fall into the trap of so many parents: namely, wanting to raise a safe kid. God hasn’t called us to raise safe kids; He’s called us to raise strong ones. There’s a big difference in how you do that–especially in these “finishing touch” years. Do you love your son enough to entrust Him to the Holy Spirit during these final years under your roof? We’re supposed to be running their lives less by now and serving far more as a reference point.

What are YOUR thoughts on courting?  Post a comment below.

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For more great “Ask Tim’s” check out the Parenting Q&A Section and Couples Q&A Section on Family Matters.net.

Just to give you a taste of one of the questions that Tim & Darcy answer over on our website:

Q: At what point should I start letting my kids make their own decisions and living with the consequences? (video)

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