Since becoming a single parent I’ve found more strength and blessing in the Body of Christ than I could have ever imagined.  From the bewildering day my husband announced he was leaving, friends have stood by my side as I fought for my family and eventually accepted divorce.  To today when my friends still bless me with encouraging words and kindnesses done simply to love on me.

Walking the path of divorce is arduous and awful, but my family in Christ brought me strength, hope and humor through all the challenges and sadness.  I believe my children would agree that we were completely surrounded by love and care. God sent His people to love us tangibly and continually.  What a testimony to my children of the faithfulness and loving-kindness of our Lord! The best thing our friends did for us was to pray.  They prayed us through so much.  They also truly became the hands of Christ as they made meals, watched children, helped with housework, and held us in our heartbreak.

Although there will always be residual grief, we’re experiencing sweet healing.  And our friends are enjoying it with us.

I’m also finally in a place of not needing quite so much help and being able to offer a bit myself.  I can sometimes babysit…I mean seriously I have 5 kids so one or ten more doesn’t make much difference.  And I could even help someone with housework and organizing, although if you looked at my house you might not accept the help!

God has graciously taught me a few things as I’ve walked this difficult path:

Know that God doesn’t want you to do this alone.  Trust that He will indeed take care of you and your children.  He will provide all that you need.  He will comfort you and bless you even in the midst of your sorrow.  And He will use the Body of Christ to do it.  He desires us to share our sorrows and joys. (Romans 12:15)

Allow your friends to be blessed by easing your burden.  As single parents it’s important that we accept help and encouragement offered from our family in Christ.  It’s also essential that we ask for support when we need it.  Don’t be ashamed of needing relief, we all do at some point.  There will be a day when you can comfort with the comfort you have received.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

When you can, enjoy the honor of serving others in all the ways you know from experience will truly bless.  We are uniquely qualified to reach out to others going through difficulties.  We can share our hope, our faith and our lives.

I’m so thankful God blessed me through my friends and family.  I’m blessed that my children were able to see God take care of us through all those lovely people.  I’m so looking forward to seeing how God allows me to encourage other who are going through difficult times.

Father, thank you so much for loving us and providing for us through the Body of Christ.  Lord, thank you that you enable us to comfort with the comfort we have been given.  Thank you Lord that you are so very faithful.

James 1:27 tells us that “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction….”  It really is that simple.   In the context of James’ letter, he was encouraging those who follow Jesus to be followers of action, Jesus’ actions: “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.  For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror.  For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.  But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing” (verses 22-25).  So I had to ask myself, what does it mean for me to “visit the orphan in their affliction.”  To obey this, not everyone is supposed to become a foster parent, but everyone is supposed to have a part to play in taking care of our community’s orphans.  For my wife and me, we already had the tools, we saw the need, and we already weren’t sleeping through the night, so it has been an easy transition to bring these special kids into our home, our family, and our hearts.  Moreover, when I read Matthew 25, and Jesus explains what the final judgment will be like, he summarizes our earthly actions by saying that what we did to “the least of these” – those we saw in need – we did to Him.  I have to ask myself who, in my life, was the least of these.  The answer was the 10,000 children in Arizona who are abused, abandoned, and neglected.

There are a lot of responses and excuses people tell me about why they can’t be a foster parent.  The number one excuse I hear is that it will be too painful to let them go.  I understand that.  It’s true.  But if you run that through the filter of Jesus’ Gospel, run that excuse parallel to Jesus’ own words: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matt 16:24).  Jesus picked up His cross for us, he bore the pain of death and the punishment caused by our sins.  Can I bear the pain of falling in love with a child and letting him or her go?  One thing I glean from the gospels is that Jesus didn’t live a life for Himself – it wasn’t about Him.  In the same way, we aren’t bringing these kids into our home for us, we do it for them.  Simply put, it isn’t about you or the pain you will feel, it’s about these kids.

The reality is that someone needs to become a mom and dad to our community’s orphans.  I wonder why there aren’t more Christ followers operating within the foster care system.  Why not us?  Why not you?  There is pain, it’s trying at times, but there are many blessings that we receive.  We have been fostering kids for the past 6 years and have had 19 kids in our homes.  Some of them stay a few days, some a few months, and one of them has become a permanent part of our family.  There are more great times than there are tough times, although the tough times have been hard.  Those are the times when you really have to dig deep and see the face of Jesus in these kids, seeing that you are doing this unto Him and not the crying, screaming child that is carrying around more pain than a child should carry.  Following Christ isn’t easy, but He’s good.  God smiles on me at the right moments.

Transformational Love for Foster Kids :: Part II

What a Real Family Looks Like :: Part III

Tools, Resources & Goals for Foster Families :: Part IV

Interested in adoption or fostering a child? Attend Family Matters “Foster & Adoptive Parenting Conference” – Click HERE for more information.

I am a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings books and movies.  The movies do take on different meanings and scenes then the books do sometimes, but they are both enjoyable.  There is a scene in the 2^nd LOTR movie, The Two Towers, that speaks volumes to me about foster care and adoption.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story, it’s a classic good vs. evil type story.  In this particular scene one of the characters named Merry is trying to convince a group of supernatural creatures called the Ents to engage in the war of good and evil.  The Ents are trees, and the leader is named Treebeard.  Treebeard comes to Merry and his companion, Pippen, and tells him the Ents have decided not to engage in the battle.  Merry is outraged at the decision, and asks why, and Treebeard answers, “This is not our war.”  Merry’s response is simple, and powerful – “But you’re part of this world!”

When it comes to foster care and adoption, it is convenient to take the position of Treebeard.  We can safely state the “war” of foster care/adoption is not ours, and justify it by saying we’ve not been “called” to do so, or we’re not ready to do so, etc…but Merry’s response to Treebeard reminds us of a greater truth.  We ARE part of this world, and as such are seen by God as part of the solution to things like foster care/adoption.  Maybe it is not to foster or adopt, but maybe it is to use your financial blessings for those who are – maybe it is to use your ability as a counselor to develop support groups – maybe it is to utilize your business to engage in fundraising and awareness.  The reality is as agents of the kingdom of God, we are part of this world, and we are agents of change.  So many times I hear the phrase, “Not of this world” used by Christians, and I cringe.  This statement comes from Jesus’ prayer in John 17, verse 16 where he prays, “They (the disciples) are not of the world, just as I am not of the world.”  When understanding scripture however, context is everything, and in verse 15 Jesus does not ask that God “take them out of the world” but instead declares in verse 17 that just as Jesus was sent into the world, so he also has sent them into the world.  When we take too strong a grasp on the “not of this world” statement, we forget that indeed we are in this world to bring change, and the area of foster care/adoption is one of many areas that cries out for our response and involvement.  Jesus’ intent was never for us to be disengage from this world’s needs – his intent was to give us new life through him, so that we might be agents of new life for others.

Why foster and/or adopt?  Because we are part of this world…and this world needs us.

Interested in adoption or fostering a child? Attend Family Matters “Foster & Adoptive Parenting Conference” – Click HERE for more information.

Speakers: Dr. Tim Kimmel, Peter Bartolini and Susan TeBos.  The speakers plan to give these parents a message of grace, but also HOPE.

Topics: Raising Foster & Adoptive children, The Four Freedoms, 3 Inner Needs and perspectives from Foster and Adoptive parents.

A “Q & A Panel” made up of our guest speakers will answer any submitted questions by the attendees.

FREE LUNCH provided by Chick-fil-A!!

This event counts toward education hours for Foster Families!

Interested in attending the Family Matters “Foster & Adoptive Parenting Conference” – Click HERE for more information.

Adoption is such a beautiful thing.  Something that opens us up to blessings we could never imagine, and challenges we might not have expected.

When we began our fostering journey, I remember thinking that the whole point of the foster parent training was to take our rose-colored glasses off, stomp on them, and hand them back to us.  There was no doubt that foster parenting and adoption were going to be challenging – even if we weren’t sure exactly what the challenges would be.

I was blessed to be a foster mom and now an adoptive mom to two beautiful little girls.   My sweeties are spicy little things but golly do I love them!

When we adopted our two little girls, I had no idea that before our youngest turned two my husband would leave us.  I’ve pondered whether I would have wanted to adopt had I known what was coming.  It didn’t take long for me to come to the conclusion that I absolutely would have pursued adopting my precious girls regardless of what lay ahead.

And what a blessed reminder that was to me about God’s love for me.  How amazing that God chose me even when He knew what would lay ahead.  He knew I’d fail immeasurable times.  I’d choose sin over following Him.  I’d cause Him pain and break His heart.  And still He adopted me.  He desired to be my Father, to love me, and care for me with all my flaws and failures.  He knew and He still chose to love me.  I’m ever so grateful for my Abba Father.  I pray that God will love my children through me and that I will be faithful in raising them to know Him, love Him, and trust Him.

But honestly, raising 5 children as a single mom is daunting at times.  And certainly, things are a bit more challenging with my two little girls.  I joke (kind of seriously) that they keep me on my knees…which is a good thing to be sure.  And they bless us all with their lovable precociousness.

I believe my older children are better for these little sisters.  They’ve learned how to sacrificially love and care for another – even when that little other is a stinker.  They’ve caught a glimpse of the whole idea of adoption which is a blessing as we learn that we are God’s adopted children.  They’ve seen that love isn’t determined by biological or adoptive, curly hair or straight, black or white.  It’s just love.

And when I’ve struggled with this calling, God has reminded me through His word and the words of my friends that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  (Philippians 4:13).  One of my friends constantly reminds me that God chose me to be momma to my kids…He chose me to be single mama to my kids.  He will not leave me in this calling.  He has equipped me and He will keep me.  He is faithful and loving and kind.

What I want to share is that God is good even when things turn out very different than we thought.  After all, God wasn’t surprised.  God knew.  God knew and He still called us.  I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “God will not call you where His grace will not sustain you.”  He chose you and He has chosen your children for you as well – biological and adopted.  And that is a beautiful thing!

My family jumped into the foster care arena in the spring of 2012.  After finishing classes, we waited until August to officially go on the list, and got placed almost immediately with a 4 day old boy.  We still have him, and have also fostered a newborn girl for a week, as well as another boy from birth to 7 weeks before he was placed with his siblings.

I’d like to tell you it has been easy.  I’d like to tell you that everyone involved will always tell you the truth.  I’d like to tell you that the system is all about the kids.  But I can’t.  To be honest, there are going to be times that you are going to question, “Why in the world does this mom get a 2^nd chance?”  There are going to be times that people are going to say things like, “We are for the best interest of the child”, and it’s going to be apparent to you that they are not thinking that way.  There are going to be times when friends and family are going to openly question you as to why you are doing this, particularly if you have children of your own.  You may even hear the question, “Don’t you care about your kids enough to not put them through this?”

It is not easy.  But do it anyway.  Why?  Because foster care, no matter how jacked up everyone else may seem about it, is never about you.  As the foster parent/family, it IS about the child…and as a follower of Christ, it’s about a higher calling.  Most Christians are familiar with James 1:27 – religion that is pure involves taking care of orphans and widows.  The reality is that for a season, sometimes short and sometimes long, these kids are orphans.  They need a good home.  They need a safe home.  They need a season of love, that only God can use 5, 10, 15 years down the road in their lives to remind them He is real.  It is not easy…but what about following God is?  Hebrews 11 lists a whole boatload of people whose lives were never easy, some even unto their death, yet they followed God with total abandonment of their own comfort.  Foster care is not easy – do it anyway.

Interested in adoption or fostering a child? Attend Family Matters “Foster & Adoptive Parenting Conference” – Click HERE for more information.

When my second child decided to run away I knew in my heart to give him the space to do it.  He was twelve, swimming in the confusion of puberty, attacked by hormonal changes and sifting through some junk in his heart.  He needed to run, clear his head, and go it alone, for a little while at least.  After three hours I started to worry.  I called a few neighbors and one had spotted him walking toward the main road. Where was he going I thought?  This isn’t just a little venture through the neighborhood anymore.  It was super-hot that day and the son was high in the sky.  I jumped in my minivan headed in the direction of the pool we belong to in another neighborhood.  Maybe he went there.  When I finally spotted him I slowly pulled my car alongside him and rolled down the window.  “Do you want I ride”, I gently asked. “You look tired”.  Reluctantly he agreed and he slunk his body into the seat.  He looked exhausted, physically and emotionally, his face sunburned too.  “Let’s stop at Robinette’s Farm and get a cold drink or an ice cream.”  “No, I’m not hungry or thirsty”…this from a child who wears a size 13 shoe. But I stopped anyhow and asked him to come and sit under the big oak tree, the one we played and climbed on when he was little.  He slid down the trunk on to his bottom in the dirt and started to cry and cry and cry.  And I sat next to him and received his tears, his hurt, and his confusion and offered grace. No judgment, no guilt trip.

You see all my children are adopted and they are just like all kids in most ways.  They get sick of their world and us and just need their own version of time-out, or control.  Yet my kids are different in that sometimes they bump up against the hurt of relinquishment and the confusion of being let go.  Their thoughts and feelings get mixed up inside and sometimes yuck comes out.  They wonder at times if things would have been different, better somehow. They wonder about birthmom, which is really big to them. And most of all they wonder if we, their parents, even care.

Before You Were Mine, Discovering Your adopted Child’s Lifestory, Zondervan 2011.

Several years ago I co-wrote a book to help adoptive parents help their kids understand where they came from and who they left behind and why that hurts sometimes. The goal was two-fold: To help parents prepare their hearts first and develop compassion for their child’s story, birth family and the brokenness they experienced. And secondly, to help parents sift through the details of their child’s relinquishment and create a truthful story that would honor their child’s past; A connection that every adopted child needs.  Before You were Mine, Discovering Your Adopted Child’s Lifestory was born from a need that all adoptive parents have—A need to help their kids heal more fully from the loss of relinquishment and move forward in life secure in who they are and who God made them to be.

And so my child ran away that day.  He was experiencing a perfect storm, hormones, confusion, the works. But on that day he wept for the loss of his birth parents.  You see, he has always known his story, but now he was beginning to understand it and feel it for the first time.

Family Matters is hosting an adoption conference on March 23 at Central Christian Church in Mesa. They’ve asked me to come and share my heart and experiences and teach those attending why story matters so much to our adoptive kiddos. So come and learn. Find out how you can help your child heal through story.  Find out too how grace based parenting really works in the adoptive home.

Interested in adoption or fostering a child? Attend Family Matters “Foster & Adoptive Parenting Conference” – Click HERE for more information.

Family Matters is partnering with Phoenix Suns Charities to bring you: Foster & Adoptive Parenting Conference!

Click HERE to register for the event.  Although the conference is FREE, there are a limited amount of spaces – so register today!

This event is also sponsored by the following:

Central Christian Church

Chick-fil-A

KPXQ Radio

Thrivent Financial

Christian Family Care

“How did you make the decision to do this?”

This is the question I hear the most from people when they find out we foster kids.  Most of the time, it is well-meaning people who are agonizing whether or not fostering/adoption is for them.

Let’s be honest; 99.7% of the time, the wife is for it, and the husband “still needs to pray about it.”

Months ago, I wrote about all the freedoms we gave up as a family once we began fostering.  But just as I said then, I’ll say again now; I’m so glad we are doing it.  God is teaching us all what it means to be the body of Christ.

I’ve heard of many people hoping to foster or adopt.  Just the other day a retired couple asked if they were too old.  They wanted “in”.  They’re going for it, fostering some little children who are all too eager to know what a safe family feels like.

I know 2 or 3 single girls who are going through the process of getting licensed right now as well.  For them, they weren’t content waiting on the sidelines as life passed them by.  Sure, there are some nuances they will need to figure out, but I love them stepping into the fray.

So if you are old (85 or older) or single, I can’t relate.  But for all of you who are married, and maybe have a child or two, I’m speaking directly to you.  I don’t know how you will make the decision, but here are a few questions we asked to help us make up our minds:

1. Is there a need?

When we were dating, my wife told me she wanted to adopt someday.  Honestly, I replied, “why?”  I had only heard how people waited for years to adopt.  I didn’t understand why we would stand in their way.  After looking into the facts, we were amazed at how many kids are in need of adoptive homes.

Keep in mind, the kids who are old enough to understand the Hell they live in would love anything better.  What I thought about, though, was how many of these homes would also model the love of Jesus and tell these kids about a Father who doesn’t abandon.

2. Are we were suitable?

We had already had kids.  Was our quiver full?  I fully believe that God calls me to lead and shepherd my family first.  If something was to hinder me in doing that, then it wasn’t good for us.  After much discussion, we realized it wasn’t hindering our family, but helping it.

Race was also an issue for us.  In talking to a Child Protective Services (CPS) employee, I asked her – a dark skinned African-American lady – if a white family fostering or adopting a child of another race was bad for the child.  She thought about it and then responded, “It’s better than the alternative.”  She explained the alternative was that the children wouldn’t be cared for, and would “bounce” through the juvenile care system, eventually ending up in jail.

3. Can my wife handle it?

My wife is a “Jedi mom,” as some call her.  In our family, we have chosen for Steph to stay home with the kids and for me to work outside the home.  I knew if we took on another child, this would be a big strain on her.  It was important to me to make sure we were considering how this addition would impact our ability to raise our other kids.

4. Can we afford it?

Adoption is expensive.  International adoption is even more.  We knew if we were going to do this, God would have to provide.  I have watched countless videos about how God did just that with so many people.

Sure, adoption is expensive, but fostering isn’t.  In fact, the state pays you a small stipend each month for being foster parents.  Believe me, wives, this might be the “hook” you need to share with your husband.  I don’t care how they get there, and if them knowing that about the stipend helps, so be it.

5. Is God moving our hearts toward this?

We prayed about this as a family.  Our oldest was 4 at the time, so we didn’t expect a big debate about it with our kids.  However, including them in the process has been so rich to see.  They are learning what it looks like to seek God in decisions like this one.

No, we didn’t hear an audible “yes” from God, but we didn’t sense any reason not to as well.

Adoptive kids have killed their parents in the past.  I know.  Plenty of people told me that as we began to walk down this road.  But you know, many people have died in car accidents, yet I continue to drive.

Adding children to your family is a big decision, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.  However, don’t be that person or family who endlessly needs to “pray about it.”  Such an excuse – although sounding good and holy – is merely a diversion tactic.

What questions do you have? Or what questions did you have answered before you went down this road?