I don’t know about you, but for me May can be a crazy maker! It seems that school ramps up exponentially because anything and everything that has not gotten done needs to get done – from assignments to field trips!

Add to that the graduation invitations, wedding invitations and finalizing the summer vacation plans and you might just find most moms reeling from calendar deadline and to do list overload!

How about we just agree right now to put the brakes on crazy busy May and choose to stop and smell the roses…and all those other flowers that are out there blooming as a result of the promise of Spring.

We can jump in and join the crazy, or we can choose to step back, take a deep breath and make the decision to purposefully set aside time to enjoy life, and our family.

For me that begins with allowing “extra” time each day to relax through a bit more praise and worship music, some more lingering in the word of God and even a bit more “silly” attitude. My kids and I seem to be breaking out in song and dance more than usual, sharing funny videos and even chiding and joking each other with increased regularity! Because I am feeling pressed, rather than succumbing to being on edge I am choosing purposeful light heartedness – it is a choice after all!

Sweet friends – whenever crazy schedules start to squeeze that is our cue to make a purposeful decision to seek peace and refuge. Here’s the best part of making that choice – our children are watching and learning and don’t we all want our children to learn how to combat stress?

Maybe that’s why Mother’s Day is in May – to help us feel celebrated during this packed full month!

How do you battle against your crazy packed schedule?

“Are you sure you want to do this?  We are still pretty young…” I asked my husband the night before his “Let’s-make-sure-we-don’t-get-pregnant-again” surgery. He waited a while and then responded with “I never thought I would have 3 kids by 30.” And that was that.

But that got me thinking – I never thought I would have three kids by the age of 30 either!  I laid there in bed that night thinking about all the ideas and plans I had for myself when I was growing up.  I pictured myself living in college dorms, possibly traveling to another country with a friend, or even knowing what I wanted to do with my life before starting a family.

I am a planner at heart; from my grocery list made out in the pattern I walk the isles of my Fry’s to my life goals planned out from short term to long term and the boxes next to each one.  Some call this Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I call it My Life.

Then the pang of guilt set in.

I had to stop and allow myself to think of all the great things I had accomplished all while living out my own Plan B.

I wasn’t able to attend college and live in dorms, but I did earn my Bachelor Degree (all while taking care of three young kids, thank you very much).  I never went back packing with my best friends, but I do get to take wonderful vacations with my family and plan second and third honeymoons with my life-long best friend.  And as for “knowing what I want to do with my life”, well, I have decided that if Plan A worked out all perfectly as planned…I would definitely be bored.

I am grateful my life took those turns, loops and ups & downs that I wasn’t looking for or planning on.  I have absolutely no regrets about my life thus far; after all, Plan A was just MY idea and not His plan.

Need some encouragement on your Plan B or know someone who could use some?  “Plan B” written by Dr. Tim Kimmel will help with these little moments.

The issues associated with adultery are often complex, and there is no simple formula for restoration. However, if the couple sincerely desires a healthy, thriving marriage after an affair here are a few beneficial insights:

• Eventually, both people must be committed to restoration.

If one spouse attempts to manipulate, badger, guilt or shame the other spouse into restoring the marriage it won’t work. Both people must be open to resolving the problems. It’s not uncommon for one to start off more willing than the other, but if over time that person remains opposed, restoration can’t happen.

• Provide the offended person time to grieve

Infidelity annihilates trust, security, privacy, and intimacy. The person who committed adultery needs to allow their spouse the time and space to grieve. Any attempts to rush the healing process or demands such as, “The affair is over, I never want to talk about it again” are indications that the offender is not truly repentant.

“It took me almost a year to trust my husband after his affair,” Moira shared. “By allowing me total access to his calendar, cell phone, and computer, the trust slowly resumed.”

• True repentance is mandatory

Jennifer’s comment about Jason being her soul mate is an indication that she is still rationalizing her poor choice. If she is serious about restoring her marriage, she’ll need to learn how to take those thoughts captive and replace them with truth. (2 Corinthians10:4-5). It’s common to hear the spouse who broke the covenant say, “My spouse isn’t meeting my needs,” “I’ve never really loved you,” or “The affair just happened.” However, the offender must repent and take ownership for his or her poor choices. It’s similar to building a house on a foundation that has a huge crack, eventually it will crumble.

How can you tell if someone is sincerely repentant? King David in Psalm 51 displays a man who is deeply sorry for his sin. He recognizes and confesses the pain and suffering he caused. Humility doesn’t demand, justify or make excuses. It admits, “I am to blame, no one else. I deserve any and all consequences for my actions. If you never forgive me, I understand. I’m the one who broke the covenant. I violated the trust and I do not deserve another chance. If you are willing, I’ll do whatever it takes—for as long as it takes—to earn your trust again.”

That’s true repentance.

• Get down to the root reasons

Financial stress, a neglectful or abusive spouse, or relationship boredom are typical reasons listed for an affair. But those are symptoms of marital breakdown—not causes. Digging deeply into underlying problems is required for true healing or the cycle will continue.
“I was sexually abused as a child,” Mike explained. “But I would never have connected that to my affair. After a lot of counseling I discovered that the trauma from my childhood played a huge role in why I made the foolish decision to cheat on my wife.”
Unlike Mike, most people never take the time or get the help to discover the “why” beneath the surface.

• Forgiveness does not mean ignoring sin, abuse, neglect or toxic behavior.

For some reason Christians have allowed satan to deceive them into believing that love, mercy and forgiveness means ignoring sin. We even slap a Biblical word on it—submission. The perversion of this word is one of the greatest weapons satan uses to destroy the family. Submission does not mean ignoring or tolerating destructive, sinful behavior. After adultery, a marriage can only be restored if the unfaithful person is willing to eradicate all hazardous people or things from the marriage. In addition, the other spouse must learn how he or she is enabling the pattern. It’s often a complex, vicious cycle which requires professional help.

• Keep it Real

Sometimes a spouse who wants out of a marriage will “pretend” they are interested in reconciliation.

“My husband and I went to counseling after my affair, but it didn’t help.” Sheila shared. “We ended up divorced anyway.” What Sheila conveniently neglected to mention was that she refused to obey the counselor’s instruction to break all contact with her extramarital lover. Her half-hearted attempt at counseling was a manipulative attempt to rationalize selfish motives. In simpler terms—she lied.

God understands infidelity. He has been the rejected and betrayed Lover many times. Jeremiah 3:6-8 (NIV) declares his sorrow and fury, “Have you seen what faithless Israel has done? She has gone up on every high hill and under every spreading tree and has committed adultery there. I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries.”

Eventually, he forgives his Bride (you and me). Because of His faithfulness we have the assurance that He is more than willing to restore a broken marriage. If a husband and wife will humbly surrender, listen, learn, obey and change, nothing is impossible for the Creator.

While reading the paper my husband turned to me and said, “I wonder if there is a politician who isn’t cheating on his spouse.” He was reading one more name, in a never ending list, of those committing adultery.

But Capitol Hill isn’t the only place encountering, “your cheatin’ heart.” After working in divorce recovery ministry for over 25 years, I’m sad to report that there is no shortage of infidelity in the pew or the pulpit.

“I know it was wrong to cheat on my husband,” Jennifer shared. “But Jason feels like my soul mate. It isn’t just sex; we have a deeper bond than that.”

“I’m a Christian,” she continued, “and I want to fall back in love with my husband because it’s the right thing to do, and the affair is hurting my kids. But I can’t seem to pull myself away from Jason.”

What’s it going to take for Jennifer to restore her marriage? Is it possible to put “Humpty Dumpty” back together again? When Pandora’s Box has been opened can the evil, sorrow and suffering be shoved back under the lid?

There is hope. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. He can do the same for a marriage infected by an extramarital affair. However, it will require that Jennifer and her husband be brutally honest with each other. They must recognize that it will take a long time and hard work to rebuild the trust that has been broken. With prayer, accountability, excellent counseling, and a fierce commitment to make the marriage better than before, it can happen.

“After my husband had an affair we attempted to go back together and restore the relationship,” Sharon said. “The church leaders shared Bible verses on marriage with us and explained why God hates divorce,” she continued. “They said God wouldn’t forgive me for my sins, if I didn’t immediately forgive my husband. And that we should resume a sexual relationship right away.”

“I did everything I was told,” She wept, “but it didn’t work. Five months later he left me and the kids again. And now he is living with his girlfriend. I’m so confused and angry.”

Because Sharon followed the advice she was given, it’s likely she is more devastated than the initial blow.

Rather than taking the time and the steps required for a true healing, Sharon and her husband swept the affair under the rug. And the unresolved issues which led to adultery were still brewing and rotting beneath the relationship. When this occurs a toxic gas is inhaled by the couple, their children, their church family and those around them. The poison goes on to destroy future generations and Satan smiles. Once again he has deceived the Bride of Christ, and she is totally unaware.

Sneak Peek in to Part II: “The issues associated with adultery are often complex, and there is no simple formula for restoration. However, if the couple sincerely desires a healthy, thriving marriage after an affair here are a few beneficial insights…”

Shabazz Muhammad is a freshman basketball player at UCLA.  The Los Angeles Times recently ran a story about his path to college, and prospectively to the NBA, and how it was all neatly arranged and planned by his father, Ron Holmes.  How was this planned?  The details are to say the least, icky…

According to the report, Holmes was “fascinated” as a college student at USC by the careful breeding of thoroughbred horses for the purpose of creating faster, more powerful horses to race.  At the same time in his life Holmes, who was a 6’ 5” basketball player for USC, met a female college student named Faye Paige, who was a point guard, sprinter, and hurdler for Cal State Long Beach.  Holmes stated to a friend, “She’s going to be my wife, and we’re going to make some All-Americans.”  The couple had 3 children, and article states very clearly the intentions of the family unit – “Holmes has pinned most of his hopes on the middle child, Shabazz.”

Really?  There are people in the world who view marriage and family as a means to “produce All-Americans”, instead of seeking values of love, friendship, and family?  I suppose this story should not have shocked me as much as it has, but to be honest, I think it’s sickening.  This type of thinking is just one step shy of “master race” type thinking.  Family is not about creating the perfect one, and marriage is not about engineering perfect kids…what is described in the article is not marriage and family, it’s a business contract.  I have no idea how much “love” there is between Holmes and his wife/family, but regardless of how much he might say there is, the manner in which this family was formed speaks volumes as to the truth.

Can we please put the brakes on a culture that only values marriage and family in terms of what they can do for us?  Can we agree that picking your marriage partner based on how the 2 of you might genetically produce a child is disturbing?  Marriage and family is not about perfection, nor the return on the “investment”…this story should cause us all to take a second look at our own marriages and families, to insure we are not running the risk of sliding down this slippery slope.

Did you know:

• Approximately one in three Americans aged 62 or older is expected to have debt in retirement (1)
• One-third of people over 65 rely on Social Security for 90% of their income. (2)
• 32% of retirees have less than 10,000 saved. (3)
• 31% of retirees carry mortgages. (4)

Forty years ago the financial future for today’s senior adults radically changed. Instead of saving to make a purchase, people in the 70’s had a new option—credit cards.  Unfortunately, many seniors are now experiencing the backlash.

In a recent survey people 62 and older were asked how many years it would take to pay off their debt. Here are the results (1):

Less than one                          14%

One to less than five             41%

5-10                                            16%

10 or more                               12%

Never                                         17%

Those nearing or already in retirement will likely face the challenge of living on a reduced income. Additionally, many seniors do not have the benefit of pensions to supplement their income or pay for rising health costs.

While debt is not prohibited in the Bible, these statistics explain why it is strongly discouraged (Deut 28:43-45). Debt relies upon future income for repayment, and almost always comes with costly interest.

If you find yourself in this distressing situation don’t lose heart. With God’s help there is always hope. Listed are a few practical suggestions.

1. Honestly assess your situation. Write down everything you owe. Denial will only delay the consequences

2. Develop a plan using a computer program or paper. There are numerous systems online. Knowing where you stand financially is the key for working on a debt reduction strategy.  And attend a biblically based class that focuses on God’s perspective of money.

3. Evaluate your expenses. To quit spending “cold turkey” is unrealistic. For example, to stop eating out altogether may be unreasonable, but you can switch from four nights a week to twice, and choosing less expensive restaurants.

4. Seek wise, trusted counsel and accountability. This could include your spouse, a budget counselor, or a professional. When choosing a professional make certain he/she has your value system and does not have a vested interest. Remember that being a Christian does not automatically qualify the person as a good financial expert.

God isn’t sitting in heaven with a calculator. He is more than willing to meet you right where you are. And he desires your financial freedom even more than you do. Trust Him.

1-USA Today, 3.12.08, Jae Yang, Robert W. Ahrens. Source: Financial Freedom Senior Sentiment Survey.

2-Moneycentral.msn.com Liz Pullman Weston 3.22.07.

3-EBRI issue brief No. 304, April, 2007, www.ebri.org

4-USA Today 6.5.07, Jae Yang, Bob Laird. Source: Financial Freedom Senior Funding Survey.

Since becoming a single parent I’ve found more strength and blessing in the Body of Christ than I could have ever imagined.  From the bewildering day my husband announced he was leaving, friends have stood by my side as I fought for my family and eventually accepted divorce.  To today when my friends still bless me with encouraging words and kindnesses done simply to love on me.

Walking the path of divorce is arduous and awful, but my family in Christ brought me strength, hope and humor through all the challenges and sadness.  I believe my children would agree that we were completely surrounded by love and care. God sent His people to love us tangibly and continually.  What a testimony to my children of the faithfulness and loving-kindness of our Lord! The best thing our friends did for us was to pray.  They prayed us through so much.  They also truly became the hands of Christ as they made meals, watched children, helped with housework, and held us in our heartbreak.

Although there will always be residual grief, we’re experiencing sweet healing.  And our friends are enjoying it with us.

I’m also finally in a place of not needing quite so much help and being able to offer a bit myself.  I can sometimes babysit…I mean seriously I have 5 kids so one or ten more doesn’t make much difference.  And I could even help someone with housework and organizing, although if you looked at my house you might not accept the help!

God has graciously taught me a few things as I’ve walked this difficult path:

Know that God doesn’t want you to do this alone.  Trust that He will indeed take care of you and your children.  He will provide all that you need.  He will comfort you and bless you even in the midst of your sorrow.  And He will use the Body of Christ to do it.  He desires us to share our sorrows and joys. (Romans 12:15)

Allow your friends to be blessed by easing your burden.  As single parents it’s important that we accept help and encouragement offered from our family in Christ.  It’s also essential that we ask for support when we need it.  Don’t be ashamed of needing relief, we all do at some point.  There will be a day when you can comfort with the comfort you have received.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

When you can, enjoy the honor of serving others in all the ways you know from experience will truly bless.  We are uniquely qualified to reach out to others going through difficulties.  We can share our hope, our faith and our lives.

I’m so thankful God blessed me through my friends and family.  I’m blessed that my children were able to see God take care of us through all those lovely people.  I’m so looking forward to seeing how God allows me to encourage other who are going through difficult times.

Father, thank you so much for loving us and providing for us through the Body of Christ.  Lord, thank you that you enable us to comfort with the comfort we have been given.  Thank you Lord that you are so very faithful.

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”

-Robert Browning Hamilton

If you’ve ever experienced pain and suffering, and you have, then you know the truth in this poem. During times of pleasure, ease and convenience, we don’t cling to the hand of the Heavenly Father and breathe Him in and out just to survive a moment. When our lives are predictable and fine, we forget our insufficiency without Christ. We may even start to think that by some merit of our own, we have created this Shangri La we are living in, but that’s a fantasy as well.

Pain ebbs and suffering flows. When we are unsure of our next moment, our next move or our next meal, we see so clearly the hand of God in our lives. When we are hungry for His presence, we are satisfied by His love.

When we think of our parenting, often much of our effort surrounds working to mitigate pain, suffering, difficulty and trials for our kids. It’s that universal feeling that we want our kids to have it better than we did, even if we had it pretty good. The truth is, though, that we run the risk of cheating our kids out of a lot of growth, learning and joy when we try to shield them from suffering. How our kids see us act during times of trial can be one of the greatest legacies that we grant them.  Our kids are watching us closely to see what spills out when we get poked.  They have a keen ability to cut through what we say and see who we really are.  Let them see you hit your knees in uncertainty and wear the pages of your Bible thin even in your doubt.

 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

The commandment is to “consider it pure joy.”  Not that we ought to “feel” joy during trial and tragedy. No, it says to “consider it,” which sounds, to me, like a mental discipline. We must choose joy, not because of our suffering, but in spite of it…through it.

Sometimes our circumstances are a consequence of our own choices. Sometimes they are the consequence of someone else’s choices. Sometimes, like when innocent life is lost, or good people lose everything, or when righteous deeds are met with injustice, we wonder how these things could possibly be for our good. I admit, I don’t have that answer and the Bible doesn’t offer up a quick fix either. I give you only this quote as the best I can come up with for why we suffer:

“God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows”― Timothy Keller

Take joy, friends. Write it on your hearts. Talk of it to your children and your friends. Allow Sorrow to teach you well. Walk miles with her, but bring Joy. You will need it along the way.

Teaching a lesson to Lucy, Aslan, the Christ figure in the C.S. Lewis story Prince Caspian says, “Why didn’t you come to me for help?” She responds, “I’m sorry, why didn’t you come in to save us like last time?” Aslan replies, “Things never happen the same way twice.”

Perhaps you’ve learned as I have that no matter how many times a new lesson pops up (or old ones resurface) – that nothing is exactly as before, and for me, I’m taken by surprise that God didn’t meet me with a like answer as He might have in the past.

Life requires making changes, dealing with new (or old) lessons and issues. Putting a stake in the ground for firm change, a new beginning or direction probably isn’t going to happen for those of us caring for a child or adult child with special needs – at least not in the way we expected or hoped. Change is slow, and often non-existent. Prayer can change things, and I do pray daily – and sometimes even out of desperation, but after many years, my son is still not healed. Sometimes the prayer was for our sons’ developmental progress, change in our circumstances, or ease in life. God’s answer came to me as a bit of a surprise. The answer was about the change my heart and attitude had to make.  Psalm 138:8 tells me, “The Lord will accomplish what concerns me…” He knows us so well, that He answers just as is necessary for us.

He wants me to receive what He gives with an open hand, knowing it’s given out of love and concern for me. That’s how He teaches. And what have I learned? “…in everything give thanks” – I Thessalonians 5:18. We’re not asked to be thankful for all things; but “in everything give thanks.” Being thankful for war, divorce, disabilities, famine, personal struggles, etc. is a tough pill to swallow but we can give thanks in these trials when they come – learning from and growing in them.

When we give thanks, we allow character development. Often painful, we learn to give thanks for the learning process and the growth that takes place. In those personal struggles we learn to rely upon and trust in His provision rather than our own.

Developing an attitude of “in everything give thanks” simply takes practice. When we do – the surprise might be on us, as life starts to look like this:

• We can truly be happy for others when we don’t “get” what they were privileged to get (a child who can play soccer; a child who talks and walks; the freedom to travel, the ability to go out to dinner, a good marriage, a great job – fill in the blank that fits your situation…)
• We begin to show gratitude for the little things: thankful for little bits of progress we see in our child rather than just the end results, thankful for a nice job not the dream job (gratitude vs. expectancy)
• Our ability to invest in caring for other people will grow even when we don’t particularly feel cared for by others
• The habit of saying “thank you” – of “giving thanks” and of showing appreciation to others and to God will be developed
• Our attitude becomes gratitude
• It’s catchy – others begin to pick up on it!

Before we know it, we’ll be amazed at how much we’ve been given and how much we have to give to others! We’ll be amazed that He might not work the same way as He did before, but that the results will be new and exciting.

Whoever said, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” was an idiot. I’m not even sure what that saying means, exactly. Does it mean that if you truly love someone, you will never wrong them and therefore never have to say you are sorry? Or, does it mean that because you are in love that the wrongs done to each other will be forgiven and forgotten without the need for an apology? Either way, it’s flawed, illogical thinking.

It took about 13 hours minutes into my marriage to realize that we were going to have to learn to apologize to each other. A couple’s ability to sincerely apologize, forgive and move past hurt is directly correlated to the success of their marriage. Of course, it’s nice when we can also use those opportunities to grow and become less flawed, but let’s face it, we usually don’t. Typically we do the same annoying or inconsiderate things over and over again, so the mechanism of apology and forgiveness is very important to a relationship.

Just when I thought I had this all figured out, my husband and I had kids. The first few years of parenting revolve around meeting your baby’s physical needs. Deciding how you will feed, diaper and teach your child to sleep, as well as all of the cognitive and emotional development that happens in the first few years is vital.  But, once our children start to become walking, talking little individuals we find that parenting starts to extend past decisions about meeting physical needs to answering emotional, spiritual and disciplinary needs as well. It’s at this point in parenting where sincere apology becomes a crucial skill.

I have found that when I have wronged my children, either through words, actions or a decision I regret, a swift and sincere apology seems to mitigate much of the pain, resentment and hurt that could come as a result. It’s so simple, and yet it can be so hard to get down on your knee and say, “Honey, I’m so sorry that I snapped at you. I was frustrated, but I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. I love you. Will you forgive Mommy?”

Apologizing and seeking forgiveness defuses anger, hurt, resentment and retaliation. It acknowledges to our children that we know we aren’t perfect. It shows them a living example that making mistakes is inevitable, but it’s what we do after those mistakes that defines our character. Our kids will grow up practicing both forgiveness and repentance because they see it modeled in us.

“Above all else, love each other deeply. For love covers a multitude of sins (mistakes.)”  1 Peter 4:8