Before we got married we thought we had a lot in common. But now we seem to be so different. What should we do?
DARCY KIMMEL: That’s right. Living with someone 24/7 really does make you realize you’re not as alike as you thought you were, and it can really present some problems in a marriage.
Our differences can make us selfish. In fact, we can become very self-centered with our differences. And when you think about how self-centered we are, it’s amazing that the divorce rate isn’t higher.
Come to think of it, the homicide rate. [laughs]
TIM KIMMEL: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know, we thought we were clones of each other before we got married, but after we got married, we found out we were just completely different hemispheres—and then this really affects the whole intimate side of our life, because those differences many times cause us to clash.
I mean, just our idea for going out for an evening. Or, for instance, there are women who just won’t stop talking.
DARCY: And some men won’t talk.
TIM: They won’t even start.
DARCY: And the husband’s idea of dinner and a movie is, you know, the drive thru at Taco Bell, and maybe a movie with a title like “The Terminator Gives Freddy Kruger a Hickey.”
Did you see that one? [laughs]
TIM: Or a wedgie, or something like that. Those are good.
And then a woman’s idea of a movie: she likes to go to see a movie that lasts two hours, where the main character is dying of some unknown disease, we don’t even know what it is, and then spends that whole time saying goodbye to the people he loves, and then finally vanishes.
Where, we like movies a lot of innocent people die for no apparent reason.
You know, we are very different. We are very different.
How about just cuddling and everything? I mean, women are so different on that, too.
DARCY: Yeah, sometimes women just like their husbands to snuggle up with them and cuddle.
TIM: The guy’s idea of a neat night is his wife in a pair of cowboy boots, and . . . well, that’s it. His wife in a pair of cowboy boots.
TIM: Just kidding. Just kidding.
The thing of it is, we are very, very different. In fact, we have been made differently. We’re anatomically different, we’re emotionally different. And when it comes to sex, we’re so hardwired differently that if you don’t understand this, you could think there is something wrong with the other person, when really, no, that’s very normal.
If you learn how to work with this, you can actually leverage these things and have a great time.
DARCY: That’s right. For most men, sex is a very high priority. In fact, sometimes it’s the highest priority.
TIM: For women, there are a lot of priorities that are higher than sex, like ironing. Something like that. You know, color-coordinating the sock drawer.
There are a lot of things, she’s got a lot of things on her plate, so we have to be ready for that. It’s just part of being different.
DARCY: And because women are so global in how they think about things, they are monitoring a lot of things at one time. It’s hard for them to focus in.
TIM: Whereas, men are like locked-on radar, and we can be easily put into the mood for sex. Almost instantly. It’s almost like a screensaver in the back of our life at all times.
Whereas, women have to build up to it. They have to know that there is some, we call it emotional foreplay, or whatever. Physical. They need to be brought up to it.
So, when the husband says, “Hey, Honey. You want to have sex right now?” she says, “Right now? We’re getting ready to go out.”
“We have friends waiting in the family room for us.”
“And your point?”
“We said we’d be out in ten minutes.”
See, they’re not wired that way, men. They have to be built up to it. And if you don’t understand that, then there can be a lot of hurt feelings.
DARCY: And men can respond just about in any context. Any time. Any place. They are very hard to distract.
TIM: Whereas, women, because of the way they are wired, you know, it’s like they have these satellite dishes on, and they are monitoring so many other things going on—kids, and so forth—so they are very easy to distract.
So, you’re in the throws of passion, and all of a sudden she says, “What’s that? What’s that?”
“You can’t hear that?”
“I can’t hear anything.”
And finally you go to the window, you open it up, and it’s a bug zapper down at the Dairy Queen a mile away.
That’s normal. But you see, instead of looking down with condemnation on each other at these things, just recognize this is the way men and women are. That’s not bad. It’s just part of the fun.
DARCY: It’s part of the fun of being a married couple.
TIM: I think that’s why they call it “making love.”
You know, you could say, “Oh, we’re going to have sex,” but that’s just biological. Making love is a connection at the heart, too. And what you want to do is care for that other person more than you do about yourself. And celebrate the differences. Enjoy the differences. Make that part of the great story of your intimate life.
I’ll tell you what. There’s a lot more fun waiting out there then you think.