I love my wife but don't know how to show it except through sex. Do you have any suggestions for me?
TIM KIMMEL: One of the problems when it comes to marriage is that the way a man thinks that he’s communicating affection, love, kindness, is not necessarily being picked up on the radar screen of his wife, and vice versa.
For instances, as a man, I think that if I work really hard and I provide for my family, and I make sure that they are having a meaningful life and work hard with the kids, that that should be communicated as love and affection.
But women want to know that they are loved and have affection in the proper way—but it doesn’t always have to lead to the bedroom.
DARCY KIMMEL: That’s right. You know, men have an easier time connecting on a physical level, but women just really desire a heart connection. We call it “emotional foreplay.”
They want to know that their husband has some focused attention on them. They want an openness, a dialogue, even a heart dialogue, between each other. They want to feel close, they want to feel intimate emotionally before they necessarily are intimate physically.
TIM: You see, if you are not connected through love at the heart level, then it really undermines it when you are connected at the hip, because it all works together in one big picture.
So, you know, what I would suggest to you is a couple of things. Recognize that because women are wired the way they are—there is nothing wrong with the way they are wired, but they just want to hear you say that you love them without it having to lead to something; that you recognize the hard work that they do, and you appreciate it; that they do look beautiful to you; that you love the way they are raising the kids, and how hard they work for that; you appreciate what they have done for the house, and how much they try to make it a beautiful place.
These are the kinds of things that touch their heart.
And you’ve got to do this when you’re going out the door to work, not when you’re going to bed; when you’re heading for church, and you’re just driving along in a car, and she recognizes, “He doesn’t have an ulterior motive here. He actually means this.”
And all that stuff just says to her, “Look, the smartest thing I ever did was the day I married you. My stock value went up so high the day I married you, and I wish I was better at telling you that.”
By the way, when you are vulnerable like that, you say, “I wish I were better at this. But you know what? I’ll probably never be as good as you would like me to be, but you need to know that in my heart of hearts, I am so grateful that you are the woman in my life. I appreciate you so much.”
See, when you say those kinds of things and she knows that this is not supposed to lead to sex, then when you are having sex and intimacy, it can be far more meaningful because you are becoming soul mates, not just bed partners.
DARCY: And that’s real important to women.